I'm a man and you're a sl*t. There, I've said it. I know you don't like it; I know you're going to be angry with me but that is the truth. Yes? The fundamental reality we all live with can be expressed in these basest of terms: if a man sleeps around; he's a man; if a woman sleeps around; she's a sl*t. Why? That doesn't seem at all fair, does it?

It's a man's world. A woman may not like it but that seems to be a fact. Far better scholars than I have studied it, analysed it and written about it. History explains the antecedents of this patriarchal society in which we live while modern intellectuals who question the status quo have asked and still ask why we must continue to do what we've been doing. Change comes slowly; traditions die hard; don't rock the boat.

The Double Standard

The Women's Liberation Movement has long talked about this phenomenon which has existed in our society; the double standard which is applied to men and women. The saying is "What's good for the goose is good for the gander" but in relation to the double standard, it means that what is good for the gander is not necessarily what the goose gets.

Women did not get the right to vote in Canada and the United States (with exceptions) until the 1920's. Women were considered chattel. While North American society has changed, I am of the opinion that a lot of it has to do with veneer. Yes, we have laws about equality in the workplace but that doesn't mean that there is equality in the workplace. As a man, all I have to do is stand around the water cooler with other men and follow the conversation. Nobody is listening; nobody will criticize; what are you going to say? Sometimes, it's surprising to hear what guys do say.

True Story

My wife is a wonderful woman. Not only is she good looking (hubba, hubba), she is well educated (a Masters no less!), smart and as a person, not just as a woman, I think she's right up there in the top percentile of our society. She's retired now but she held her own in the workplace for 32 years with the last 6 as the CEO of a small company. Yes, I love her, but I also admire her and am proud of her.

I work with a guy who is the typical macho: still plays sports with the guys and does semi-dangerous activities. When we talk, he talks to me in that sort of man to man way, as if we're sharing something that only men can share. From time to time when he's talks about his wife, he presents her as a bit of an airhead: she likes to shop; she doesn't like to work; she thinks money grows on trees and he's going to keep providing her with it. Such dialogue is usually accompanied by eyes rolled to the ceiling. I know he's trying to be funny, funny in a chauvinist way but I have to confess being slightly perplexed by this. Why? I would never say such things about my wife. First of all, my wife isn't an airhead; she's really smart. Secondly, she had her own career; she was never dependant on me. And third, and this for me is the kicker, how macho, how manly can any guy be if he sits down with other men and confesses that he's married such a woman? That's like saying he's married the mistake of his life; he admits his wife is inferior to... well, my wife.

The Female Eunuch

This book by Germaine Greer was published in 1970. In a nutshell, it said that men hate women; women don't realize this and they are taught to hate themselves. The traditional family represses women sexually and is an environment where we see the continuation of the power struggle of men over women.

I read it immediately. I was 18 years old.

I had already suspected that what I had learned, what I had seen around me, what society had been passing off to me, didn't really represent reality. I grew up in the 50's family model: man works; wife stays at home and raises the kids. This book confirmed my suspicions. Tradition did give us a structure, a framework for our lives and our society but at the same time stifled our ability to critically examine ourselves.

Since this time, however, I have very much grown to appreciate how difficult and slow change, true change can be. We as a nation can enact laws against gender discrimination but that does not mean people will not continue to practise it. I return to the men talking around the water cooler. Yes, we all say out loud that women are welcome but that does not necessarily mean that when we have 2 candidates in front of us for a job, one man and one woman, we might not just favour the man because... well, he's a guy. There's a joke in there about two heads being better than one but I will try and keep myself above board.

The S Word

I love Chris Rock. As a comedian he has a keen perception of our modern times; as a black man, he tells it like it is in America. In telling it like it is, Chris does resort to colourful language and I add here that only a black man can get away with using the N word. That particular word has such emotional force, such a history attached to it that merely uttering the word out loud in public is enough to send a shiver down the back of anybody within earshot. And if you're white and saying that word (Hello Michael Richards!), I would strongly advise you to make sure your will is up to date.

The S word also has a big impact. Qualifying a woman with that word is tantamount to heaping on her the sum total of all scorn we as a society have for any female who expresses the slightest amount of interest in sex. Now think about that for a second. If a man goes out and has sex with 10 women, he's a stud. If a woman goes out and has sex with 10 men, she's a sl*t. Stud = positive, sl*t = negative. How curious. We equate male sexual prowess as a good thing but we equate female sexuality as bad. But why?

The Hite Report

Shere Hite released her report on female sexuality in 1976 and her report on male sexuality in 1981. I read both.

I've never forgotten the book about men and the one specific thing she discovered in her research. There was this reoccurring theme to the answers from men: men were convinced that women do not like sex.

What? But the more I thought about it, the more that made sense. We men are told to get out there and chase women. We discover that women hold back, are particular, are careful in the selection of a mate, only want to "do it" after marriage, etc. Gee, why wouldn't we get the idea women don't like sex?

What an odd situation. Men are guided by society to want to marry a woman who is worthwhile, of value, a woman who is not a sl*t. But in doing so, men are marrying somebody who doesn't like sex. Men want sex. Men think they need a sl*t. Geesh, are we going around in circles here?

I've heard researchers try to explain all this by describing the primordial difference between the sexes: men are wired to spread their seed; women are wired to bear and raise children. This translates into men running around looking for places to deposit their seed and women trying to set up a successful environment for children. I'm sure my summation is quite simplistic but this is an idea I've heard from the pundits. Gee, where's Desmond Morris when you need him? (The Naked Ape, 1967)

What's it all about, Alfie?

There's no doubt about it; we are a confused species. We have been following roles which have existed on this planet since the beginning of time and now that we're looking at those roles with a critical eye, we are totally thrown for a loop in understanding those roles and figuring out not only what we're doing, but what we're doing right and what we're doing wrong. Let's not forget that change comes slowly because we don't necessarily like change. I could say something amusing about inertia but I truly believe we have a difficult time changing because we don't like instability. Change involves tearing down beliefs and that means instability. At some point we will replace those beliefs but during the transition period, we are going to have to deal with some shakiness.

The Water Cooler

We enact laws; we force people to act a certain way. We build a social norm; we ostracize people if they don't conform. However, we can't always control their thoughts and people can be quite chameleon like depending on their circumstances. At the office, in public, somebody can put on a good show for gender equality then go home and beat the wife if not physically, at least psychologically. Laws try to force everyone to not commit a crime but will we arrive at a point where everybody does not want to commit a crime? Gender equality may be written into the Charter of Rights and Freedoms in Canada, but the man-talk around the water cooler will be the true litmus test of whether or not gender equality exists in society.

Afterthought

I sometimes read an opinion piece such as this one and not being totally familiar with the material, I know that I either do not react because it is all quite a distance from my own everyday life or I may doubt what the author says and not necessarily take the time to prove the author right or wrong. In other words, the message gets lost in the daily shuffle of my life.

I would ask that you, the reader, to remember the following:

Are men confused about women? You bet. Do we have gender equality? I think not. Are we ever going to get things sorted out? Let's hope we don't have to wait until hell to freeze over.

Click HERE to read more columns by William Belle.

References

The Female Eunuch
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Female_Eunuch

The S Word
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slut

Shere Hite
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shere_Hite

The Montreal Massacre
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%89cole_Polytechnique_massacre

Robert Pickton
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Pickton

Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani: an adulterer all by herself - July 12, 2010
http://wqebelle.blogspot.com/2010/07/sakineh-mohammadi-ashtiani-adulterer.html

Abortion: If we make it illegal, the problem will go away - June26, 2010
http://wqebelle.blogspot.com/2010/06/abortion-if-we-make-it-illegal-problem.html

In Praise of Women - June 15, 2010
http://wqebelle.blogspot.com/2010/06/in-praise-of-women.html

Many times throughout my life, a thought has occurred to me of how the relationship between men and women for a long time, maybe forever has been fraught with conflicting messages.

Men love women, men hate women. Why? What's it going to be guys? Why is there such a love-hate relationship?

I felt compelled to jot down some thoughts about this. Why? I have come to realize, men that women put up with a lot of s**t from us. Does everybody remember that it was only in the 1920's in the United States that women obtained the right to vote? It wasn't so long ago that women were merely considered as chattel. They weren't human beings, they were property. In fact, today, in some places in the world, this patriarchal view of affairs still prevails. But despite how things have changed here, let's not be so quick to condemn others as not being as advanced as us. When I stand at the water cooler with my male colleagues and I listen to the talk, the sexist remarks, the deprecating comments, I realize that here, in North American society, we have lip service, we have a veneer, but the depth of the changes in our society is not necessarily that profound. We all have quite a way to go.

Women are the most amazing of God's creatures. I'm not a particularly religious man, but using the word God seems like the easiest way to encapsulate what I mean.

You have been my mother. You have loved me, nurtured me, and taught me, cared for me. You have held me when I was hurt; you have proudly hugged me as I left the nest. You have tenderly held my hand when I was successful; you were attentive when I failed.

You have been my sister. You have been kind and patient. You have taught me about women, you have shown me that a non sexual relationship with a woman is a good thing... and possible. You have loved me in my own right even if I was wrong.

You have been my lover. You have been sensual, you have been sexual, and you have fulfilled my wildest fantasies. You have put up with me when I have been head strong, you have been tender and caring when I've fallen down. You have come back even when I have been self-centered, mean and hurtful.

You have been my wife. You have loved me, you have cooked for me. You have held my hand at the movies; you have cuddled with me on the couch when we watched TV. You have comforted me when I, as a man, had to go out into the world and do battle to build for ourselves our own castle.

You have had my children. You have been inexhaustible, you have always been there, and you have been a never-ending fountain of joy, hope, love and kindness to everyone in the family including me.

You have been my partner. You have had your own career. You have worked with me as a team. Together we have had a synergy where the whole is greater than sum of the parts.

I stand in awe before you, woman. I repeat that you are the most amazing of God's creatures. You are truly everything, no one else will do. I will climb the highest mountain, I will swim the deepest river, I will use every fibre in my being, I will expend my last breath. I thank the Lord the day he took a rib from my side. The world would not be complete; I could not live without you. I am honoured by your presence; I am grateful for your attention, I am blessed by your love.

I have found many variations of the following, sometimes attributed to St. Thomas Aquinas and sometimes to others even earlier in time.

"I've been rejected."

Somebody doesn't like you. Oh, boo hoo hoo. Get over it!

Okay, that sounds a little harsh but if you will bear with me, let me now tell you something which comes from my life and is probably very applicable to your life.

When I went to high school, I entered what is for many kids, their first real experience in a social networking environment. Everybody has to figure out how to interact with each other. Yes, I know we had public school stuff, but high school was a much bigger proving ground because we were all getting our hormone spurs: saddle up the pony, it's time to ride the range!

Like all teenage boys, I suffered too the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, some successes, some failures. Nevertheless, there was always the pain and suffering of being rejected on any grounds, not just sexual.

Then it hit me. I forget exactly what happened, but one day, I looked at rejection from the other way around. It occurred to me that at high school, in the street and in life in general, I did not like everyone whom I met. In fact, some of those people I absolutely detested. All of a sudden it occurred to me: if statistically, I didn't like everyone in the world, was it true that statistically, everyone in the world would like me? No way!

I began to see the entire world in a new light. I meet somebody, they don't like me. Okay, your loss, I move on to the next person. Instead of being particularly hurt by the rejection of a single person, I accept it as merely a statistical reality then move on. Like me, if you really want to lay on the rationalization really thick, I sometimes add that the rejecter has neither the intelligence nor the fine taste to appreciate the bouquet and full body of a Chardonnay '86 à la yours truly. Like a fine wine, I am only appreciated by the most sophisticated of palettes. "Oh gawd, does that man know how to shovel it, or what?"

Old joke: Every night a man goes to a bar and asks 50 women to sleep with him. He gets slapped in the face 49 times, but he never sleeps alone!

Click HERE to read more columns by William Belle.

I grew up in a middle class white family during the 50's. In many ways, life was like the early black and white TV show "Leave It To Beaver"; there was a certain style, maybe a kind of wholesomeness, innocence to life. Of course, that's my memory of it and I'm sure any kid would probably say the same thing of their own childhood.

During this time, my parents would hold from time to time a formal cocktail party. When I say "formal", I mean that men would come dressed in a suit and tie while the women would wear something of a similar degree of formality. My brother and I as youngsters around the ages of 5 to 8, would also get dressed up in something a bit formal, sometimes a suit and our own tie and help out at the parties. Both of us would assist our parents in serving drinks, walking through the crowd with trays of hors d'œuvres and providing whatever other service may have been called for.

I remember winding my way through our living room full of adults towering over little me. I developed a very distinct image of what an adult was: this self-assured professional looking man dressed in a suit and tie, holding his glass in one hand as he spoke with intelligence and conviction of who knows what topic. I was duly impressed by this display of maturity and figured that one day, I too would become an "adult".

At the age of 19, I was in a clothing store browsing for something in the racks when a voice behind me said, "May I help you, sir?" I continued browsing as I felt that anybody addressing somebody with the word "sir" could not be talking to me. The voice repeated itself and I turned around to discover that the attendant was talking to me. I was somewhat flabbergasted. Calling me "sir" struck me as so out of place. The word for me evoked an adult, one of those professional looking men in a suit and tie and at that particular moment, I certainly did not fit the bill.

I am now 57 years old. I'm still waiting. I'm still waiting for that magic moment when "poof!" I become an adult. I'm chuckling at writing this as I'm thinking of those people in the living room of my home at one of my parents' cocktail parties. I still have this image of the man dressed in suit and tie, full of self-assurance, confident, in control of the situation and at par with all those around him. Me? Oh, I sometimes have doubts, I may not always be self-assured; I sometimes am not in control of the situation and do not always feel at par with all those around me. Hmmm, what happened? I thought I was going to cross a line, become 20 or 25 then all of a sudden, I would become one of those adults at the cocktail party. Oddly enough, that hasn't quite happened.

In fact, I can clearly admit that at the age of 57, I'm not sure how much I think, feel or act differently then let's say, when I was 30 or 25 or 20. I'm sure there are differences, after all I am now coming to the table with over 30 years of experience as an adult, but there is this question of what do I feel. How many times have I been in circumstances where I enter a room and I don't know anybody? There is that horrible feeling of being out of place: everybody else knows one another and they are all looking at me, the outsider. I still laugh when I first discovered that this wasn't necessarily true; not everybody always knew each other and how many other people in the room were exactly like me. They had the same feeling of being out of place and were so grateful when I would make the first move by talking with them. We breathe a sigh of relief when somebody breaks the ice, no?

Yes, I am aware of not always being so self-assured but armed with this knowledge, I can do something about it. I'll walk into a room, look around with assurance and walk up to the first person, stick out my hand and say hello. I may be feeling out of place but I overcome that feeling and plough ahead. Damn the torpedoes; full speed ahead!

In the meantime, I'm still waiting for that magic moment when I become an adult; when I become one of those self-assured professional looking men I remember at my parents' cocktail parties during the 50's. [chuckles] Will I someday become Ward Cleaver?